NAH-KEV-HO-EYEA-ZIM
Translated from the Cheyenne Indian language, it means “We are always returning home again”.
And so we all do the same at some point. We go back to where our lives began. We return to our parents, to people who have known us since birth, who have watched us grow and develop into the people we are today. I suspect that the experience is more unsettling for them than for us.
I’ve just completed such a journey, spending the past five days in my hometown in Illinois. Each trip back stirs up memories of a loving and carefree childhood. But at the same time, it seems that these pilgrimages also loosen my grip on the past and force me to face the future in the place I now call “home”
With each visit my parents, in my eyes at least, seem to be a little older…a little frailer…a little more forgetful. And I find that we disagree on more things each time I visit. At times they seem sadly bewildered by the son they’ve raised, but now seems to become more of a stranger to them with each passing year. The common ground we once shared is rapidly disappearing. They no longer experience the same things I do in my daily life, and don’t see how those experiences work their change in my attitudes and beliefs. The chasm grows wider between us.
None of this changes my love for them, or theirs for me. It’s just that neither of us understands the other quite as much as we used to.
So, time marches on. And I will return home again next year to find even more has changed in them, and in me.
NAH-KEV-HO-EYEA-ZIM
- Jaydog
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Finally, a clean office...
The mind is another thing, of course!
Stayed at the office until after 7 p.m., sorting, tossing, re-arranging, and scrubbing. Finally, the office is clean. Zelda Rubenstein has nothing on me. I'm sure there will be some in shock tomorrow morning as they walk past. I would love to be there, hidden from view, as the spazzos drift in. The first thing they will likely notice is that faint bleach smell. I used Clorox cleaner on the hard surfaces. Now Tom's office always has that smell, but not mine. Right, Tom? Anyway, then the spazzos will follow their noses, look in, and their jaws will drop in amazement. Don't give me too much credit. No deep bows from this boy. Most of the knick-knacks, all of my toys that I use to help control the A.D.D., are in a moving box safely stuffed under my desk. Still within easy reach if I ever feel the need. I'm not stupid!
The mind is another thing, of course!
Stayed at the office until after 7 p.m., sorting, tossing, re-arranging, and scrubbing. Finally, the office is clean. Zelda Rubenstein has nothing on me. I'm sure there will be some in shock tomorrow morning as they walk past. I would love to be there, hidden from view, as the spazzos drift in. The first thing they will likely notice is that faint bleach smell. I used Clorox cleaner on the hard surfaces. Now Tom's office always has that smell, but not mine. Right, Tom? Anyway, then the spazzos will follow their noses, look in, and their jaws will drop in amazement. Don't give me too much credit. No deep bows from this boy. Most of the knick-knacks, all of my toys that I use to help control the A.D.D., are in a moving box safely stuffed under my desk. Still within easy reach if I ever feel the need. I'm not stupid!
Winding down...
Hate me if you want. But today, even though YOUR calendar might say it's Tuesday, today is my Friday. That's because tomorrow I start a long overdue, week-long vacation.
I'm not sure what it is in our genetic makeup that causes the last day of work before such an event to turn into a day from hell.
Traffic was unbearable this morning. Everyone who knew I was leaving on vacation suddenly remembered something they just HAD to have before I left. And the day dragged on forever.
In fact it's still dragging on. I'm determined that before I leave the office to night, I will clean my office to within an inch of its life, even though it's been a year or so since I've done that. There's nothing worse than coming back from a vacation to a dirty office. Then I will go home tonight and clean my home the same way. There's nothing worse than coming back from a vacation to a dirty house, either. Of course no time away from the office, or home, goes unpunished. Through much painful testing I've proven that true over and over again.
So that's my day. I want it to be over, but it's not. I've tried to make sure all of the loose ends are tied off before I go, but I'm quite certain that I've missed something.
Plus, I'm having a bad hair day. Well, actually it's just a bad hair afternoon. I started the day with my hair as close to perfection as is humanly possible. But an hour-and-a-half workout at lunch, followed by a nice, long, nude steam bath, and then a shower, left it looking like....okay, you fill in the blank there. No amount of Bed Head seemed to tame it after that.
Perhaps that's why when I came back from the gym, and was offered two donuts, I ate them. Both. Now I can't eat for a week. The guilt is overpowering. Perhaps I can expend enough calories cleaning my office and my house to redeem myself.
Nah.
-Jaydog
Hate me if you want. But today, even though YOUR calendar might say it's Tuesday, today is my Friday. That's because tomorrow I start a long overdue, week-long vacation.
I'm not sure what it is in our genetic makeup that causes the last day of work before such an event to turn into a day from hell.
Traffic was unbearable this morning. Everyone who knew I was leaving on vacation suddenly remembered something they just HAD to have before I left. And the day dragged on forever.
In fact it's still dragging on. I'm determined that before I leave the office to night, I will clean my office to within an inch of its life, even though it's been a year or so since I've done that. There's nothing worse than coming back from a vacation to a dirty office. Then I will go home tonight and clean my home the same way. There's nothing worse than coming back from a vacation to a dirty house, either. Of course no time away from the office, or home, goes unpunished. Through much painful testing I've proven that true over and over again.
So that's my day. I want it to be over, but it's not. I've tried to make sure all of the loose ends are tied off before I go, but I'm quite certain that I've missed something.
Plus, I'm having a bad hair day. Well, actually it's just a bad hair afternoon. I started the day with my hair as close to perfection as is humanly possible. But an hour-and-a-half workout at lunch, followed by a nice, long, nude steam bath, and then a shower, left it looking like....okay, you fill in the blank there. No amount of Bed Head seemed to tame it after that.
Perhaps that's why when I came back from the gym, and was offered two donuts, I ate them. Both. Now I can't eat for a week. The guilt is overpowering. Perhaps I can expend enough calories cleaning my office and my house to redeem myself.
Nah.
-Jaydog
How to be politically correct (PC):
In an age of political correctness (just ask me what I think about that, if you dare!), I feel it is my duty to attempt to educate you, my blog readers. So here are some tips that will never let you down. Although these are separated by gender, you'll find when reading them that some could apply to either sex. You be the judge.
A. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK". She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER". She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY". She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE". She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND". She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD". She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY". She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." (Amy, Erica, Sara, Di, Liz, Saini, Tania...insert YOUR name here. Hehehe)
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS". She is "SURGICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you. She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP". She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "HUGE HOOTERS". She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER". She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
B. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT". He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER". He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME". He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING". He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER". He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK". He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." (Tom?)
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS". He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG". He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT". He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY". He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." (Tom, Chris, Paul, Joe, Matt, James, Dan, Eli, Larry, Dave, Darin, Rocky, Drew ... insert your name here...LOL)
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
In an age of political correctness (just ask me what I think about that, if you dare!), I feel it is my duty to attempt to educate you, my blog readers. So here are some tips that will never let you down. Although these are separated by gender, you'll find when reading them that some could apply to either sex. You be the judge.
A. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK". She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER". She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY". She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE". She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND". She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD". She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY". She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." (Amy, Erica, Sara, Di, Liz, Saini, Tania...insert YOUR name here. Hehehe)
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS". She is "SURGICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you. She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP". She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "HUGE HOOTERS". She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER". She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
B. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT". He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER". He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME". He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING". He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER". He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK". He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." (Tom?)
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS". He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG". He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT". He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY". He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." (Tom, Chris, Paul, Joe, Matt, James, Dan, Eli, Larry, Dave, Darin, Rocky, Drew ... insert your name here...LOL)
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Monday, May 23, 2005
May the gods be praised...
For any of you who may have spent a couple of sleepless nights wondering if Tom made it onto his homebound plane from Tampa Saturday morning, get ready for a good night's sleep at last.
Our boy DID make it! As you recall from my earlier post, he'd spent a couple of hours on the phone with me until about 2:30 a.m. in his drunken state, but needed to get up at 4:30 in order to get to the airport in time to catch his flight home.
Well, Tom wisely did what any rationally thinking person would do in the same situation. He simply didn't go to bed! Instead he joined a few of his fellow convention-goers in the hotel hot tub for more drinking and merriment.
I congratulate you Tom! That's using your head. Please take a bow, Tom! Go ahead....a DEEP bow!
For any of you who may have spent a couple of sleepless nights wondering if Tom made it onto his homebound plane from Tampa Saturday morning, get ready for a good night's sleep at last.
Our boy DID make it! As you recall from my earlier post, he'd spent a couple of hours on the phone with me until about 2:30 a.m. in his drunken state, but needed to get up at 4:30 in order to get to the airport in time to catch his flight home.
Well, Tom wisely did what any rationally thinking person would do in the same situation. He simply didn't go to bed! Instead he joined a few of his fellow convention-goers in the hotel hot tub for more drinking and merriment.
I congratulate you Tom! That's using your head. Please take a bow, Tom! Go ahead....a DEEP bow!
Please hand me a tissue...
Just hanging out tonight, catching up on my email. As I mentioned in an earlier post, apparently my reputation for being a big-hearted person is spreading. I know this because the requests for my help seem to be increasing in volume. Many times it's difficult not to shed a heartfelt tear over the plight of some of the people who write to me. This letter I received today is a good case in point.
my dear,
Good day and Compliments, I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this. I am TONY SIMTH the only son of late former Director of finance, Chief Vincent R.L SIMTH Sierra-Leone diamond and mining corporation. I must confess my agitation is real, and my words is My bond, in this proposal. My late father was the director of finance of Gold and diamond industry in my country, During the disastrous civil war in my country, now he has Deposited the money with a security company in ACCRA-GHANA, where I am Residing under political asylum with my younger sister MARY SIMTH Now the war in my country is over with the help of ECOMOG soldiers, the present government of Sierra Leone has revoked the passport of all officers who Served under the former regime and now ask countries To expel such person at the same time freeze their Account and confiscate their asset, it is on this note that I am contacting you, all I needed from you is to Furnish me with your particulars:
1) House address
2) Telephone number
3)Fax number
4]your full name
For you to assist me transfer this money in your country, The said amount is(fifteen Million Dollars) $15 Million . I am compensating you with 10 % of the total money Amount, now all my hope is banked on you and I really Wants to invest this money in your country, were their Is stability of Government, political and Economic welfare. Honestly I want you to believe that this transaction Is real and never a joke. My late father Chief SIMTH Gave me the photocopies of the certificate of deposit Issued to him by the security company on the day of deposit, for You to be clarify because; I do not expose my self to Anybody I see, I believe that you are able to keep This transaction secret for me because this money is The hope of our life, it is important. Please contact me immediately after you must have gone Through my message feel free and make it urgent. That Is the reason why I offered you 10% of the total? Money amount, and in case of any other necessary Expenses you might incur during this transaction. N.B, Try and negotiate for us some profitable blue chip Investment opportunities which is risk free which I Can invest with this money when it is transferred to Your conutry, personally I am interested in estate Management and hotel business, please advise me. And promise me and my younger sister to be a guardian Considering our situation and not to Betray us.
Thanks and God bless
Best regards
TONY SIMTH
Oh my! The tears are flowing freely now. Please excuse me a moment while I collect myself.
(Laughing hysterically in the background)
There. All better now.
Well, Tony. Once again I'm afraid I must refuse your request for my assistance. It just breaks my heart to do that, my friend. But, if you'll read my earlier post, you'll see that my time is stretched to its limit now and the millions of dollars flow into my bank account. I'd still like to talk to you, though, and offer any comfort and advice you might need. Please call me at (212) 479-7990 any time of the day or night. Please! I so look forward to hearing from you, Tony. Blessings right back at you!
- Jaydog
Just hanging out tonight, catching up on my email. As I mentioned in an earlier post, apparently my reputation for being a big-hearted person is spreading. I know this because the requests for my help seem to be increasing in volume. Many times it's difficult not to shed a heartfelt tear over the plight of some of the people who write to me. This letter I received today is a good case in point.
my dear,
Good day and Compliments, I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this. I am TONY SIMTH the only son of late former Director of finance, Chief Vincent R.L SIMTH Sierra-Leone diamond and mining corporation. I must confess my agitation is real, and my words is My bond, in this proposal. My late father was the director of finance of Gold and diamond industry in my country, During the disastrous civil war in my country, now he has Deposited the money with a security company in ACCRA-GHANA, where I am Residing under political asylum with my younger sister MARY SIMTH Now the war in my country is over with the help of ECOMOG soldiers, the present government of Sierra Leone has revoked the passport of all officers who Served under the former regime and now ask countries To expel such person at the same time freeze their Account and confiscate their asset, it is on this note that I am contacting you, all I needed from you is to Furnish me with your particulars:
1) House address
2) Telephone number
3)Fax number
4]your full name
For you to assist me transfer this money in your country, The said amount is(fifteen Million Dollars) $15 Million . I am compensating you with 10 % of the total money Amount, now all my hope is banked on you and I really Wants to invest this money in your country, were their Is stability of Government, political and Economic welfare. Honestly I want you to believe that this transaction Is real and never a joke. My late father Chief SIMTH Gave me the photocopies of the certificate of deposit Issued to him by the security company on the day of deposit, for You to be clarify because; I do not expose my self to Anybody I see, I believe that you are able to keep This transaction secret for me because this money is The hope of our life, it is important. Please contact me immediately after you must have gone Through my message feel free and make it urgent. That Is the reason why I offered you 10% of the total? Money amount, and in case of any other necessary Expenses you might incur during this transaction. N.B, Try and negotiate for us some profitable blue chip Investment opportunities which is risk free which I Can invest with this money when it is transferred to Your conutry, personally I am interested in estate Management and hotel business, please advise me. And promise me and my younger sister to be a guardian Considering our situation and not to Betray us.
Thanks and God bless
Best regards
TONY SIMTH
Oh my! The tears are flowing freely now. Please excuse me a moment while I collect myself.
(Laughing hysterically in the background)
There. All better now.
Well, Tony. Once again I'm afraid I must refuse your request for my assistance. It just breaks my heart to do that, my friend. But, if you'll read my earlier post, you'll see that my time is stretched to its limit now and the millions of dollars flow into my bank account. I'd still like to talk to you, though, and offer any comfort and advice you might need. Please call me at (212) 479-7990 any time of the day or night. Please! I so look forward to hearing from you, Tony. Blessings right back at you!
- Jaydog
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Ah, where does the weekend go?
Another weekend almost over. Where did it go? What do I have to show for it? Not much, except for a well-rested body, a slight hangover, and some pleasant memories of good times with friends. What more could I ask for?
Another weekend almost over. Where did it go? What do I have to show for it? Not much, except for a well-rested body, a slight hangover, and some pleasant memories of good times with friends. What more could I ask for?
- Friday night after work: Drinks with Kenny and Erica at Rock Bottom after work. Erica, always a delight. Kenny, hadn't seen him in awhile since he moved to the another office building a few miles away. Always good to see him and catch up on what's going on with work and in each other's lives. Only regret: didn't make it to the gym.
- Later Friday night: Chatting online with my friend Tom who was in Tampa for a business convention. My how that boy suffers for his craft! Then, a 2-hour phone conversation with a slightly innebriated Tom. That was even MORE fun!
- Even later Friday night...errr...Saturday morning: Did some work on the laptop and finally hit the sack a little after 2:30 a.m., wondering if Tom had gotten up as planned at 4:30 a.m. Eastern time in order to get to the airport in time to catch his plane home. Still don't know the answer to that question.
- Saturday: Slept in really late. Can't imagine why. Chatted online with my buddy Joe a few times during the day. And then with Dan. Took another nap. Finally got up and fixed dinner, watched a movie, and proceeded to polish off most of the growler I'd brought home Friday night. Did a little work on the laptop, and finally fell into bed around 1 a.m. with a comfortable buzz.
- Sunday morning: Slept in late again. Finally rolled out of bed with a pounding head. Can't imagine why! Fixed some breakfast, grabbed the Sunday Post off the porch and went back to bed for a little bit. Got up again and chatted with Paul online for awhile, then Joe. Took a much-needed shower, and that seemed to clear my head a little.
- Sunday afternoon: Took a short nap. Got up. Added some pictures to my moblog. Added a flash feature from my moblog to the template on my blog (impressive, huh?). And now here I am.
The long list of things I'd intended to get done around the house seems to have burst into flames and turned to smoldering ashes. But do I really care? Nah. Not much. I had a good time with friends, and that left me with a warm, satisfied feeling inside. So, to all of my friends who made this a memorable weekend...thanks! Thanks Tom, Joe, Paul, Erica, Kenny, Dan. I love you all!
- Jaydog
Friday, May 20, 2005
Woman Calls for Help from Wireless Phone
A West Virginia woman called for help on her wireless phone when a camel sat on top of her while she was painting a fence. Firefighters and the camel's owner helped move the animal off the woman who was having trouble breathing.
(Source: Alert Jaydoggie readier (Di) and Associated Press)
A West Virginia woman called for help on her wireless phone when a camel sat on top of her while she was painting a fence. Firefighters and the camel's owner helped move the animal off the woman who was having trouble breathing.
(Source: Alert Jaydoggie readier (Di) and Associated Press)
It's Friday!
Finally! Some weeks seem longer than others, and this has been one of those weeks. In spite of my joy at reaching this weekly milestone, I'm still tempted to follow the example of my young friend Joe and call in "sick" today. But experience has taught me something. Namely that no time away from the office goes unpunished. Going on vacation next week will once again prove that point.
Please sir, may I have another!
WHACK!
I vow that today, before I leave the house, I will check the fly on my jeans at least twice.
Today is also "Growler Refill Day". Don't expect too much coherent thought later.
- Jaydog
Finally! Some weeks seem longer than others, and this has been one of those weeks. In spite of my joy at reaching this weekly milestone, I'm still tempted to follow the example of my young friend Joe and call in "sick" today. But experience has taught me something. Namely that no time away from the office goes unpunished. Going on vacation next week will once again prove that point.
Please sir, may I have another!
WHACK!
I vow that today, before I leave the house, I will check the fly on my jeans at least twice.
Today is also "Growler Refill Day". Don't expect too much coherent thought later.
- Jaydog
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I'm dancing as fast as I can...
No
No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.
No, I have not been abducted by aliens and probed.
No, I have not been incarcertated and become someone's "wife".
No, I have not been rubbed out by a mob hit man.
No. No. NO!
The world has just been spinning too fast lately, and I've been hanging on for my life. But I dragged my feet against the surface of the universe and managed to slow it down just a bit. So here I am, no worse for the wear, with lots to say.
Embarrassment
At 2:05 p.m. on Friday, the lovely and talented Erica approached me in the hall outside the boss's office, looked down at my crotch, pointed and cleared her throat. Under most circumstances, I might have taken that as a compliment. In this case, however, something inside me told me that was not the case. My eyes drifted down to where she pointed, and sure enough....the fly on my jeans was open. Knowing that I had done nothing so far that day to warrant it being in that condition, I came to the quick conclusion that it had been down all day. A quick thought flashed through my head....Thank God I wasn't going commando that day, as I often do when wearing jeans on a Friday. This type of thing seems to be happening with increasing frequency. Not every day, I assure you. But often enough that I'm beginning to think that one of two things is going to happen: either I'm going to be straight-jacketed and carted off to a nice residential facility with steel mesh on the windows and heavy padding on the walls, or my name and picture will end up on one of those registered sex offender websites that has become my mother's favorite pastime. Either way, I don't forsee a happy ending.
Rage at the machine
As you've already read in my previous post, my PC crashed last weekend. Hours spent on the phone with non-English speaking technical support people has proven fruitless. After checking online for a list of H-P authorized service centers, I chose to take it to CompUSA for repair. The stereotypical computer geek finally appeared at the counter to assist me. After poking and prodding at the PC for quite some time, he confirmed what I suspected: that he had no idea what the problem was, but offered to charge me $99 to find out. I explained that I had an extended warranty through H-P that should cover the repairs. He replied..."Oh, we don't honor those". This from an authorized H-P service center, may I remind you. He also made a point of telling me that for $140 he could back up the data on my hard drive, with the following exceptions: no music files, no video files, and no software. Those three items make up probably 75% of what is on my hard drive. Thanks, geek. But no thanks. I load my PC back under my arm and leave. Later in the day I call H-P customer service to see what they suggest. Amazingly I get a pleasant sounding woman who speaks fluent English. I can understand every word she's saying. By the end of the conversation I'm wishing I'd been transferred to "Eric" in New Dehli. She first informs me that the extended warranty I'd purchased is not valid for hardware repairs for thirty days. I find it amusing that I wasn't told that when I purchased it. I described the problem I'd been having with the PC, and she cheerfully told me that yes, that sure sounded like a hard drive gone bad. When I commented that I found it disturbing that the hard drive on a 13-month old computer would blow, she said something that I still can't believe. "Sir, it's quite normal for a hard drive to crash within a year's time". WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I thank her for being so helpful and hang up the phone.
My options at this point are:
No
No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.
No, I have not been abducted by aliens and probed.
No, I have not been incarcertated and become someone's "wife".
No, I have not been rubbed out by a mob hit man.
No. No. NO!
The world has just been spinning too fast lately, and I've been hanging on for my life. But I dragged my feet against the surface of the universe and managed to slow it down just a bit. So here I am, no worse for the wear, with lots to say.
Embarrassment
At 2:05 p.m. on Friday, the lovely and talented Erica approached me in the hall outside the boss's office, looked down at my crotch, pointed and cleared her throat. Under most circumstances, I might have taken that as a compliment. In this case, however, something inside me told me that was not the case. My eyes drifted down to where she pointed, and sure enough....the fly on my jeans was open. Knowing that I had done nothing so far that day to warrant it being in that condition, I came to the quick conclusion that it had been down all day. A quick thought flashed through my head....Thank God I wasn't going commando that day, as I often do when wearing jeans on a Friday. This type of thing seems to be happening with increasing frequency. Not every day, I assure you. But often enough that I'm beginning to think that one of two things is going to happen: either I'm going to be straight-jacketed and carted off to a nice residential facility with steel mesh on the windows and heavy padding on the walls, or my name and picture will end up on one of those registered sex offender websites that has become my mother's favorite pastime. Either way, I don't forsee a happy ending.
Rage at the machine
As you've already read in my previous post, my PC crashed last weekend. Hours spent on the phone with non-English speaking technical support people has proven fruitless. After checking online for a list of H-P authorized service centers, I chose to take it to CompUSA for repair. The stereotypical computer geek finally appeared at the counter to assist me. After poking and prodding at the PC for quite some time, he confirmed what I suspected: that he had no idea what the problem was, but offered to charge me $99 to find out. I explained that I had an extended warranty through H-P that should cover the repairs. He replied..."Oh, we don't honor those". This from an authorized H-P service center, may I remind you. He also made a point of telling me that for $140 he could back up the data on my hard drive, with the following exceptions: no music files, no video files, and no software. Those three items make up probably 75% of what is on my hard drive. Thanks, geek. But no thanks. I load my PC back under my arm and leave. Later in the day I call H-P customer service to see what they suggest. Amazingly I get a pleasant sounding woman who speaks fluent English. I can understand every word she's saying. By the end of the conversation I'm wishing I'd been transferred to "Eric" in New Dehli. She first informs me that the extended warranty I'd purchased is not valid for hardware repairs for thirty days. I find it amusing that I wasn't told that when I purchased it. I described the problem I'd been having with the PC, and she cheerfully told me that yes, that sure sounded like a hard drive gone bad. When I commented that I found it disturbing that the hard drive on a 13-month old computer would blow, she said something that I still can't believe. "Sir, it's quite normal for a hard drive to crash within a year's time". WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I thank her for being so helpful and hang up the phone.
My options at this point are:
- Wait thirty days and make the bastards repair my PC.
- Go shopping for a new PC, and heave my old one off my balcony into the parking lot below.
- Go shopping for a new PC, but still wait the thirty days and make the bastards repair my PC.
The third option is sounding better the more I think about it. I'd have a brand new PC to use for the next year until the hard drive blows. And I'd have my repaired PC to put in another room of my apartment. I still don't have a computer to use in the bathroom, you know.
I'm open to suggestions on a reliable brand of PC. Obviously, anyone who suggests another HP computer will be beaten severely. The same goes for Compaq, Gateway, e machines, or any Kmart brand. Leave your suggestions in the comments for this post.
Congratulations
Congratulations to my friend Eli on his graduation from college and his impending entry into the ranks of the gainfully employed. Eli, I know you have doubts about your future...how you're going to fit in to the corporate environment and handle living in a strange city. Trust me on this, buddy. You're stonger than you realize. You can endure anything, accomplish anything, create anything...all because you have an incredible inner strength. And you have people behind you, all wishing you happiness and success. Got it?
Affirmation
Apparently my reputation for caring about my friends has begun to spread. I believe this because the number of e-mails I receive every week asking for my help seems to be growing. Here's an example:
HELLO JAYDOGGIE,
FIRST AND FOREMOST,I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION AND I PRAY THAT MY DECISION TO CONTACT YOU WILL BE GIVEN GENUINE APPROVAL CONSIDERING THE FACTS WE HAVE NOT KNOWN EACH OTHER BEFORE, I WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TOI NTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU.I AM BAIDEN FRIPONG EYADEMA, THE SON TO THE LATE PRESIDENT OF TOGO WHO DIED ON THE 5TH OF FEBRUARY 2005, IN WEST AFRICA I WRITES TO INFORM YOU MY DESIRE TO INVEST, AND TO BUY A LIVING HOUSE IN YOUR COUNTRY. I AM THE SECOND SON OF THE LATE PRESIDENT OF TOGO MR. GNASSINGBE EYADEMA. HE WAS THE PRESIDENT OF MY COUNTRY FOR 38 YEARS, BUT I NEVER LIKE HIS MISRULE, THUS CREATING THE POLITICAL CRISIS THERE NOW. BEFORE HE DIED HE REAVEALED TO ME ABOUT THE BOXES CONTAINING $25.5 MILLION US DOLLARS. WHICH HE DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN GHANA FOR SAFEKEEPING. MY FATHER DID NOT DISCLOSE THE CONTENT OF THE BOXES TO THE SECURITY COMPANY. TO AVIOD THE OFFICIALS FROM RAISING EYE BROWS TO THE FUNDS. PRESENTLY MYSELF IS HERE IN GHANA TO NOTIFY THE SECURITY COMPANY FOR THE CLAIMS, AND I AM STAYING IN THE REFUGEE CAMP.THEREFORE I WANT YOU TO LECTURE ME ON HOW BEST I CAN INVEST THIS MONEY,BECAUSE MY FATHER TOLD ME THAT IT IS DANGEROUS TO INVEST THIS MONEY IN AFRICA TO AVIOD SUSPICIONS, AND DUE TO MARKET INSTABILITY COUPLED WITH ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL INSTABILITY FACING AFRICAN COUNTRIES,THAT IS WHY I WANT TO INVEST IN ABROAD. FOR YOUR MUTUAL ASSISTANCE, MYSELF HAVE AGREED TO OFFER YOU 25%OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF THE MONEY. WE HAVE ALL THE VITAL DOCUMENTS COVERING THE DEPOSIT AND THE OWNERSHIP WHICH I CAN SEND TO YOU THROUGH FAX ON REQUEST. NOTE: I HAVE NEVER DISCLOSED THIS TO ANY PERSON APART FROM YOU, SO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION AS A TOP SECRET TO YOURSELF ALONE. WHICH I WILL WANT YOU TO FORWARD ACROSS TO ME YOUR DIRECT TEL/FAX NUMBER FOR MORE INFORMATIONS ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION.PLEASE DO CONTACT ME ON MY ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: (omitted)
MY ELDER BROTHER FAURE EYADEMA HAS JUST WON AN ELECTION TO REPLACE MY LATE FATHER IN TOGO AS THE PRESIDENT. BUT I DON'T LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE IS DEMONIC WITH HIS POLICY. HIM AND MY LATE FATHER MADE TOO MUCH TOGOLESE TO SUFFERED IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY. THEREFORE, I HAVE DECIDED TO GO ON MY OWN WAY AND NOT TO SEEK POLITICAL OFFICE.
- BAIDEN EYADEMA
Sorry Baiden, baby. You sound like a really swell guy and all. And I'd LOVE to help you out. The money isn't that important to me, you know. But at the present time I'm a little busy helping out other people who have sent me e-mails asking for my help to transfer large sums of money, including:
- Dr. Mrs. Catherine Klein, a manager at citi bank in London, who needs my help by becoming the sole heir to a $17.6 million estate of a late oil baron so that she can transfer the money out of the country before it falls into the hands of corrupt government officials. Of course I also have to promise that I'll use 5 percent of the total funds to set up a charitable organization in America. I'm working on it Cathy!
- I'm also working with FRANK KHUMALO, the elder son of Mr. Daniel Khumalo from the republic of Zimbabwe, to get $15 million out of South Africa and into my personal checking account here in the U.S.
So you see, Baiden? I've really got my hands full right now. As much as I want to help, I'm just really busy. In addition, I don't want to appear greedy. In the meantime, why don't you give me a call on my special private line that I've set up for friends like you: (212) 479-7990. I can't wait to hear from you, Baiden! Feel free to share my number with other friends who might need my help, too!
- Jaydog
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Catastrophe Strikes
For anyone who hasn't heard already, the worst of all possible scenarios unfolded on Sunday. My home PC crashed. Might as well have amputated my right arm or something. AAAAGGGGHHHH! At this point, in spite of the hours spent on the phone with HP technical support (that's another story for another time) I'm unsure at this point when I'll be back to anything resembling normalcy.
In the meantime, my online activities are severely limited. That includes updates to my blog, e-mails, IM chats, and Jaydoggie Radio (off the air). I'm hoping to have a functioning PC within the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, don't despair. I'm still around. Just temporarily invisible.
-Jaydog
In the meantime, my online activities are severely limited. That includes updates to my blog, e-mails, IM chats, and Jaydoggie Radio (off the air). I'm hoping to have a functioning PC within the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, don't despair. I'm still around. Just temporarily invisible.
-Jaydog
Thursday, May 05, 2005
DUCK!
I'm in one of those smart-ass moods today. Go figure! But rather than unleash a torrent of caustic humor, why not a few real laughs?
CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.........
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
But on a serious note....
CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.........
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
=====================================================
But on a serious note....
For my friend Joe...
(IAHFYB)
It's strange here without you
And it's so hard to see
So brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me
+
I still see his shadow
His laugh lingers on
When I dream, we're all back together
When I wake, he's gone
+
It's strange here without you
This was not ment to be
So brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me
+
And though we try to change the world
A flower when it's cut will surely die
So why do men with so much hate
Destroy what they cannot create
While we all stand by
+
We will look back in anger
But you helped us to see
So brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me
Oh brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me
(Brother Up In Heaven - Ian Bairnson)
Just what I need today...
A Stress Pig. Ahhhh.....I feel so much better now! Click on the pig yourself and see if you don't feel better, too!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
What I'm Listening To Tonight On Rhapsody...
1. It's Over - Alison Krauss
2. The One That Got Away - Tom Waits
3. I Fall To Pieces - Patsy Cline
4. Losin' End - Michael McDonald
5. You Don't Have To Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield
6. Our Winter Love - The Lettermen
7. Somebody's Crying - Chris Isaak
8. Hit The Road, Jack - McCaslin & Ringer
9. Crying - Roy Orbison with K.D. Lang
10. How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - The Bee Gees
11. Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday - Stevie Wonder
12. For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder
13. For The Good Times - Ray Price
14. Hurt So Bad - The Lettermen
15. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Men
16. Cry, Cry, Cry - Highway 101
17. I'm Not In Love - 10CC
18. Wasted On The Way - Crosby, Stills, & Nash
19. Cry, Cry, Cry - Highway 101
20. You're Only Lonely - J.D. Souther
21. Best Thing That Ever Happened - Jim Weatherly
22. Neither One of Us - Gladys Knight
23. Summer Breeze - Seals & Crofts
24. Baby Come Back - Player
25. I'm So Chubby - Kelly Clarkson
2. The One That Got Away - Tom Waits
3. I Fall To Pieces - Patsy Cline
4. Losin' End - Michael McDonald
5. You Don't Have To Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield
6. Our Winter Love - The Lettermen
7. Somebody's Crying - Chris Isaak
8. Hit The Road, Jack - McCaslin & Ringer
9. Crying - Roy Orbison with K.D. Lang
10. How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - The Bee Gees
11. Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday - Stevie Wonder
12. For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder
13. For The Good Times - Ray Price
14. Hurt So Bad - The Lettermen
15. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Men
16. Cry, Cry, Cry - Highway 101
17. I'm Not In Love - 10CC
18. Wasted On The Way - Crosby, Stills, & Nash
19. Cry, Cry, Cry - Highway 101
20. You're Only Lonely - J.D. Souther
21. Best Thing That Ever Happened - Jim Weatherly
22. Neither One of Us - Gladys Knight
23. Summer Breeze - Seals & Crofts
24. Baby Come Back - Player
25. I'm So Chubby - Kelly Clarkson
Monday, May 02, 2005
Another Monday...another day in hell
Monday. What is it about Monday that sends a chill down my spine? In actuality, perhaps it was not just the fact that it was Monday today, but that it actually felt like winter here today. Near freezing temperature this morning, grey skies, winter coat. Not the kind of picture the Colorado tourism board puts in the brochure. And it's May. Ah, but we must suffer, mustn't we?
The day continued to spiral downhill when I went by the office at my apartment complex to sign away my life for another six months (new lease). Not only did the rent increase, but also the lease I signed was incorrect, so it had to be re-done and signed again. That one turned out to be incorrect as well, so a THIRD lease was prepared for my signature. I finally straggle into the office, already frazzled, only to find that someone had crashed a database over the weekend, making it inaccessible and unusable. I'm STILL trying to untangle that mess. Add to that the fact that everyone around me, my cow-orkers, otherwise known as "The Spazzos", seemed to be in a ferret-like mood today.
It's 5:30 p.m. here, and I'm alone at the office now. The day is finally drawing to a close. I'm preparing to head over to the gym for a couple of hours to beat my body into submission. I'll follow that by lolling around in the whirlpool and cook myself into goo in the steam room. Perhaps that will provide some much-needed relief.
In the meantime. another momentous occasion passed without proper acknowledgement. If you look at the site counter at the bottom of this page, you'll see that it has passed the 1,000 mark unnoticed. Will wonders never cease? As I've said before, when I began this little project, I believed only a small contingent of deranged minds would consider it interesting enough to read. I was proven right. Thanks, everyone, for reading. I love each and every one of you. Now seek professional help!
-Jaydog
The day continued to spiral downhill when I went by the office at my apartment complex to sign away my life for another six months (new lease). Not only did the rent increase, but also the lease I signed was incorrect, so it had to be re-done and signed again. That one turned out to be incorrect as well, so a THIRD lease was prepared for my signature. I finally straggle into the office, already frazzled, only to find that someone had crashed a database over the weekend, making it inaccessible and unusable. I'm STILL trying to untangle that mess. Add to that the fact that everyone around me, my cow-orkers, otherwise known as "The Spazzos", seemed to be in a ferret-like mood today.
It's 5:30 p.m. here, and I'm alone at the office now. The day is finally drawing to a close. I'm preparing to head over to the gym for a couple of hours to beat my body into submission. I'll follow that by lolling around in the whirlpool and cook myself into goo in the steam room. Perhaps that will provide some much-needed relief.
In the meantime. another momentous occasion passed without proper acknowledgement. If you look at the site counter at the bottom of this page, you'll see that it has passed the 1,000 mark unnoticed. Will wonders never cease? As I've said before, when I began this little project, I believed only a small contingent of deranged minds would consider it interesting enough to read. I was proven right. Thanks, everyone, for reading. I love each and every one of you. Now seek professional help!
-Jaydog
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