I'm dancing as fast as I can...

No

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.

No, I have not been abducted by aliens and probed.

No, I have not been incarcertated and become someone's "wife".

No, I have not been rubbed out by a mob hit man.

No. No. NO!

The world has just been spinning too fast lately, and I've been hanging on for my life. But I dragged my feet against the surface of the universe and managed to slow it down just a bit. So here I am, no worse for the wear, with lots to say.

Embarrassment

At 2:05 p.m. on Friday, the lovely and talented Erica approached me in the hall outside the boss's office, looked down at my crotch, pointed and cleared her throat. Under most circumstances, I might have taken that as a compliment. In this case, however, something inside me told me that was not the case. My eyes drifted down to where she pointed, and sure enough....the fly on my jeans was open. Knowing that I had done nothing so far that day to warrant it being in that condition, I came to the quick conclusion that it had been down all day. A quick thought flashed through my head....Thank God I wasn't going commando that day, as I often do when wearing jeans on a Friday. This type of thing seems to be happening with increasing frequency. Not every day, I assure you. But often enough that I'm beginning to think that one of two things is going to happen: either I'm going to be straight-jacketed and carted off to a nice residential facility with steel mesh on the windows and heavy padding on the walls, or my name and picture will end up on one of those registered sex offender websites that has become my mother's favorite pastime. Either way, I don't forsee a happy ending.

Rage at the machine

As you've already read in my previous post, my PC crashed last weekend. Hours spent on the phone with non-English speaking technical support people has proven fruitless. After checking online for a list of H-P authorized service centers, I chose to take it to CompUSA for repair. The stereotypical computer geek finally appeared at the counter to assist me. After poking and prodding at the PC for quite some time, he confirmed what I suspected: that he had no idea what the problem was, but offered to charge me $99 to find out. I explained that I had an extended warranty through H-P that should cover the repairs. He replied..."Oh, we don't honor those". This from an authorized H-P service center, may I remind you. He also made a point of telling me that for $140 he could back up the data on my hard drive, with the following exceptions: no music files, no video files, and no software. Those three items make up probably 75% of what is on my hard drive. Thanks, geek. But no thanks. I load my PC back under my arm and leave. Later in the day I call H-P customer service to see what they suggest. Amazingly I get a pleasant sounding woman who speaks fluent English. I can understand every word she's saying. By the end of the conversation I'm wishing I'd been transferred to "Eric" in New Dehli. She first informs me that the extended warranty I'd purchased is not valid for hardware repairs for thirty days. I find it amusing that I wasn't told that when I purchased it. I described the problem I'd been having with the PC, and she cheerfully told me that yes, that sure sounded like a hard drive gone bad. When I commented that I found it disturbing that the hard drive on a 13-month old computer would blow, she said something that I still can't believe. "Sir, it's quite normal for a hard drive to crash within a year's time". WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I thank her for being so helpful and hang up the phone.

My options at this point are:

• Wait thirty days and make the bastards repair my PC.
• Go shopping for a new PC, and heave my old one off my balcony into the parking lot below.
• Go shopping for a new PC, but still wait the thirty days and make the bastards repair my PC.

The third option is sounding better the more I think about it. I'd have a brand new PC to use for the next year until the hard drive blows. And I'd have my repaired PC to put in another room of my apartment. I still don't have a computer to use in the bathroom, you know.

I'm open to suggestions on a reliable brand of PC. Obviously, anyone who suggests another HP computer will be beaten severely. The same goes for Compaq, Gateway, e machines, or any Kmart brand. Leave your suggestions in the comments for this post.

Congratulations

Congratulations to my friend Eli on his graduation from college and his impending entry into the ranks of the gainfully employed. Eli, I know you have doubts about your future...how you're going to fit in to the corporate environment and handle living in a strange city. Trust me on this, buddy. You're stonger than you realize. You can endure anything, accomplish anything, create anything...all because you have an incredible inner strength. And you have people behind you, all wishing you happiness and success. Got it?

Affirmation

Apparently my reputation for caring about my friends has begun to spread. I believe this because the number of e-mails I receive every week asking for my help seems to be growing. Here's an example:

HELLO JAYDOGGIE,

FIRST AND FOREMOST,I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION AND I PRAY THAT MY DECISION TO CONTACT YOU WILL BE GIVEN GENUINE APPROVAL CONSIDERING THE FACTS WE HAVE NOT KNOWN EACH OTHER BEFORE, I WISH TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TOI NTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU.I AM BAIDEN FRIPONG EYADEMA, THE SON TO THE LATE PRESIDENT OF TOGO WHO DIED ON THE 5TH OF FEBRUARY 2005, IN WEST AFRICA I WRITES TO INFORM YOU MY DESIRE TO INVEST, AND TO BUY A LIVING HOUSE IN YOUR COUNTRY. I AM THE SECOND SON OF THE LATE PRESIDENT OF TOGO MR. GNASSINGBE EYADEMA. HE WAS THE PRESIDENT OF MY COUNTRY FOR 38 YEARS, BUT I NEVER LIKE HIS MISRULE, THUS CREATING THE POLITICAL CRISIS THERE NOW. BEFORE HE DIED HE REAVEALED TO ME ABOUT THE BOXES CONTAINING $25.5 MILLION US DOLLARS. WHICH HE DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN GHANA FOR SAFEKEEPING. MY FATHER DID NOT DISCLOSE THE CONTENT OF THE BOXES TO THE SECURITY COMPANY. TO AVIOD THE OFFICIALS FROM RAISING EYE BROWS TO THE FUNDS. PRESENTLY MYSELF IS HERE IN GHANA TO NOTIFY THE SECURITY COMPANY FOR THE CLAIMS, AND I AM STAYING IN THE REFUGEE CAMP.THEREFORE I WANT YOU TO LECTURE ME ON HOW BEST I CAN INVEST THIS MONEY,BECAUSE MY FATHER TOLD ME THAT IT IS DANGEROUS TO INVEST THIS MONEY IN AFRICA TO AVIOD SUSPICIONS, AND DUE TO MARKET INSTABILITY COUPLED WITH ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL INSTABILITY FACING AFRICAN COUNTRIES,THAT IS WHY I WANT TO INVEST IN ABROAD. FOR YOUR MUTUAL ASSISTANCE, MYSELF HAVE AGREED TO OFFER YOU 25%OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF THE MONEY. WE HAVE ALL THE VITAL DOCUMENTS COVERING THE DEPOSIT AND THE OWNERSHIP WHICH I CAN SEND TO YOU THROUGH FAX ON REQUEST. NOTE: I HAVE NEVER DISCLOSED THIS TO ANY PERSON APART FROM YOU, SO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION AS A TOP SECRET TO YOURSELF ALONE. WHICH I WILL WANT YOU TO FORWARD ACROSS TO ME YOUR DIRECT TEL/FAX NUMBER FOR MORE INFORMATIONS ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION.PLEASE DO CONTACT ME ON MY ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: (omitted)

MY ELDER BROTHER FAURE EYADEMA HAS JUST WON AN ELECTION TO REPLACE MY LATE FATHER IN TOGO AS THE PRESIDENT. BUT I DON'T LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE IS DEMONIC WITH HIS POLICY. HIM AND MY LATE FATHER MADE TOO MUCH TOGOLESE TO SUFFERED IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY. THEREFORE, I HAVE DECIDED TO GO ON MY OWN WAY AND NOT TO SEEK POLITICAL OFFICE.
- BAIDEN EYADEMA

Sorry Baiden, baby. You sound like a really swell guy and all. And I'd LOVE to help you out. The money isn't that important to me, you know. But at the present time I'm a little busy helping out other people who have sent me e-mails asking for my help to transfer large sums of money, including:

• Dr. Mrs. Catherine Klein, a manager at citi bank in London, who needs my help by becoming the sole heir to a $17.6 million estate of a late oil baron so that she can transfer the money out of the country before it falls into the hands of corrupt government officials. Of course I also have to promise that I'll use 5 percent of the total funds to set up a charitable organization in America. I'm working on it Cathy!
• I'm also working with FRANK KHUMALO, the elder son of Mr. Daniel Khumalo from the republic of Zimbabwe, to get $15 million out of South Africa and into my personal checking account here in the U.S.

So you see, Baiden? I've really got my hands full right now. As much as I want to help, I'm just really busy. In addition, I don't want to appear greedy. In the meantime, why don't you give me a call on my special private line that I've set up for friends like you: (212) 479-7990. I can't wait to hear from you, Baiden! Feel free to share my number with other friends who might need my help, too!

- Jaydog